By Fatima Salinas

A difficult conversation can reveal as much about a relationship as an easy one. 

But the way people interpret those conversations often depends on how they already feel about the person on the other side.

That relationship between communication and perception is central to the work of Rachel McLaren, an associate professor in the University of Iowa Department of Communication Studies in the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences. Her research examines interpersonal communication, conflict, and hurtful messages, with particular attention to how people make sense of emotionally charged experiences.

McLaren has long been curious about people and relationships. As an undergraduate, her first interpersonal communication course introduced her to a field that combined elements of psychology and sociology while focusing on how people communicate with one another.

“I was hooked,” McLaren says. “I’ve found interpersonal communication to be endlessly fascinating.”

Understanding the complicated side of communication

Today, that curiosity drives McLaren's research into what scholars call the “dark side” of interpersonal communication.

The perspective challenges simple distinctions between good and bad communication. Behaviors typically considered negative, such as anger or deception, can sometimes serve a function in relationships. Meanwhile, behaviors generally considered positive, such as love or self-disclosure, can sometimes operate in unhealthy ways.

One finding McLaren finds particularly interesting is how relationship satisfaction influences people's interpretations of hurtful behavior.

When people are generally happy in their relationships, they tend to excuse a partner's hurtful actions or interpret them more positively. Those who are already dissatisfied are more likely to perceive messages as hurtful and assume negative intentions.

The pattern illustrates how the same behavior can take on different meanings depending on the relationship surrounding it.

McLaren is also interested in what happens after emotionally charged interactions, particularly how people communicate to develop a shared understanding of what occurred.

“The way people construct meaning about relational events in their lives is consequential,” McLaren says.

Conflict is one setting where that process becomes especially important. Although disagreements can be uncomfortable, McLaren emphasizes that avoiding them isn't necessarily healthier than addressing them.

“Oftentimes, we see conflict as a sign that something is wrong, but conflict is a normal and necessary part of relationships and groups,” McLaren says.

Unresolved disagreements can affect other parts of a relationship, while developing skills to navigate conflict can help people address problems and better understand one another.

Helping parents connect with their teenagers

For McLaren, understanding how people interpret one another's behavior also has practical applications outside the university.

Through workshops at local libraries, she and her colleague Young help parents navigate communication challenges with teenagers, particularly around digital media and technology.

Rather than beginning with rules about phones or screen time, McLaren encourages parents to build a positive communication climate by recognizing small attempts to connect, which she calls “relationship bids.”

For teenagers, those moments might involve sharing something about a favorite video game, discussing music, or talking about a hobby. McLaren encourages parents to show genuine interest, even when the subject is unfamiliar.

Those everyday interactions build what she describes as “relational capital,” creating a foundation of goodwill that can make more difficult conversations easier.

McLaren also encourages parents to approach their teenagers' behavior with curiosity rather than immediately assuming negative intentions.

For example, if a parent discovers their teenager using a phone late at night, McLaren suggests considering how difficult it can be for anyone to put down a device, even when they know they should be sleeping.

Instead of beginning with blame or a lecture, parents can acknowledge that challenge and work with their teenager to establish a boundary, such as charging the phone in another room overnight.

The workshops have also revealed how much parents value opportunities to share their experiences with one another.

McLaren has heard parents express grief about the challenges teenagers face today, including concerns about mental health, uncertainty about the future, and the influence of digital media.

“I seek to create a space where I can help reduce the fear and guilt that parents feel and offer them some small shifts, skills, and scripts to increase their confidence about communicating with their teens,” McLaren says.

Bringing communication skills into the classroom

The opportunity to practice communication strategies is also an important part of McLaren's teaching at Iowa.

In courses examining communication, conflict, and the dark side of interpersonal relationships, she uses role-playing, case studies, and reflection to help students consider how communication concepts apply to their own experiences.

These activities allow students to practice navigating difficult interactions in a lower-stakes environment before applying those skills in their personal and professional lives.

McLaren's commitment to teaching was recently recognized with a CLAS Collegiate Teaching Award, an honor she describes as particularly meaningful.

“I take my responsibility as an instructor seriously,” McLaren says. “What an opportunity to be able to think with students and hopefully equip them with knowledge and skills that will help them in all areas of their life, both personally and professionally.”

Beyond specific communication techniques, McLaren hopes students leave her courses with a deeper understanding of themselves and the people around them.

Most importantly, she hopes they continue approaching their relationships with curiosity.